lost within my own reality

I'm tired. Tired of living...not in general but the feeling of," Enuff is enuff!I can't take it anymore." Tired of comparison. Being compared with my siblings or relatives. Who's getting better grades?Who's doing what...where?Comparing achievements in life.Who's good and who's bad. Tired of being an example to others. I feel like some specimen or some shit...where I have to change my lifestyles...me...like 'them' adding different solutions to catalyse the.."You have to show gd example...blah blah blah"I just wanna be me...myself and would like no one trying to be me. Just me!Tired of the unfairness I have to face. Being nagged at for no bloody reason.Being a girl!Have to stay home...like housewife..Stop stereotyping!!!I hate it...Tired of the limitations and expectations. Having to live up to other's expectations...making them happy and not myself.Not having my say at things.Limitations...things I can't do because I'm a girl!
Accused of being wrong to enjoy and have fun...fun as in socialising and communicatingwith my friends.Cannot hang-out with them on weekdays...because its a bloody weekday!Just because its a weekday ,I have to be home early. Tired of seeing ones I love suffer but yet putting on a front...to be strong and blame others when they themselves aren't putting any effort other then to blame you....when actually upon realising that its their mistake. How one thinks only of themselves...being selfish.Not giving a fuck...giving a fuck only when things go wrong. Tired of people. People who are up to no good.Adding salt and pepper...oil into the fire!A fucking catalyst that has no purpose in life other then to destroy you!"Kill the bad!!" Damn...I'm just tired...real tired...I hate this feeling...makes me wanna breakdown and cry.

Every morning,I wake up hoping that the feeling would go away. Leaving me in peace,wisdom,kindness and happiness. I hope...hope alot...wonder alot....when will this world be a better place for me?If not now...then when?I guess....there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. I'll always keep that in mind to nudge myself out of self0pity. Amnd surrender to the fact that LIFE ISN'T FAIR with all the injustices, selfishness and lies in this world!

(I wrote this...when I was feeling down...quarrelled with my mum.hehe...got all too emo huh...keke)

At times,I choose to retreat..not in fear or shame but for myself.Like I said...it will never end...unless I have nothing better to do la.hehe.Then again,the one thats being critical would think that he/she has won the battle.Hm...depends on the situation la...I rather be nondefensive than defensive.RETREAT.Countercriticism is such a tiring task!Oh...and reverse phychology. Negative reaction to criticism often convince the person doint the criticizing that they are accurate in their assessmentn of you. And by reacting to criticism never makes the criticism go away. Like I said before, it never goes away..it'll go round and round and round.

At times, the true fact is there...what people criticise about you. For example, I consciously agreed with criticism directed to me. A friend said to me,"You!!Have got a mama-backside for a mouth!" For a moment, I'm like,"What the fuck?What are you trying to say?" before deciding to agree. I responded by saying,"Yeah!I know!!" I discovered something about myself. In agreeing with my friend, I was able to see that he had a good point. I often do talk too much. With my nondefensive reaction, my fren replied. "Still I love you!" I doubt he would have said that had I been defensive.

So yeah...I've learnt that reacting to it never goes away.I discovered that agreeing with an occasional criticism has more value than its cost. That applies if I forgot not to be defensive!hehe...

Hey...if you just need to say something back...make it sarcastic!!keke...like" Gee...thanks for pointing out my flaw!I appreciate it!"

This will never end.....................

Criticism,like swearing is actually nothing more than a bad habit. It's something we get used to doing;we're familiar with how it feels to be critical or be criticized. It keeps us busy and gives us somrthing to talk about.Think about.When we judge or criticize another person,it says nothing about the person;it merely says something about our own need to be critical.

Hate to admit it....but I am a critical person. So why do I I still do it? Let the truth be told...it kinda keeps me busy talking...makes me feel good for a moment to criticize someone. Honestly,at times after being critical...I'll start saying,"That's so mean!I'm mean..."...yup...Contradicting isn't it?Ah well...I'll start feeling ashamed and little deflated.Instead,my intentions to attack at the person...I'm actually attacking myself!Get wat I mean so far?My actions kinda says,"Hey...I need to be critical!" Of course...this is one thing one would never be proud to admit.

To me,criticism will never stop.We humans are both critical and criticized.I mean...for example:At a gathering...you listen to all the criticism that are exchanged,that is typically levied against others...those are just mean thoughts or one's assessment of you...or someone else.Now...THINK abt it.How much good all that criticism actually does to make our world a better place?The answer:ZERO!!!It does no good. Not only that being critical solves nothing,itstead it contributes to the anger and distrust in our world.Dun you think?

Now now...I know this is long...but let me continue.So yeah..I do get critized...ant it hurts at times.I get immobilized by the slightest criticism(must see who said it...hehe). I quickly treat it as an emergency and start defending myself...as though in a battle. I feel attacked and have the need to defend or to offer countercriticism...or retreat in fear or shame.Which is the best reaction?Honestly...my mind will be filled with angry or hurtful thoughts directed at myself or to the person being critical.Frankly...this reactions takes an enormous amount of mental energy.

*to be continued*

I can't remember names...terrible at it. I think age is catching up with me faster than it should. But thats not important. I forgot how much I treasure my family. The days we spent together at the beach.Driving to Killiney Kopitiam every Sunday morning to have breakfast.And my friends also.The days we spent together...enjoying each others company.Slacking together for hours..sometimes a moment of silence cause there's nothing to talk about.We laughed and cried and share each other's troubles.I forgot hardship.I always wanted to find an easy way out of things.Running away from all my troubles and at times not facing them. I forgot love.I forgot that I should be contented with life.Be happy with what I have.Be happy for others and not look down on them. I forgot how important it is to appreciate the simplest things in life and not take it for granted.I tend to forget alot of things....hence I became selfish,unappreciative...etc...of everything around me. Sigh....But there's one thing I'll try not to forget. Not to be forgetful!

Life is hard. The world is messed up.Full of corruptions,lies,unscrupulous people...its a fucked up world.Everything is money.Money is time.Time is money.Bloody hell,money is just a piece of paper.Just a value printed on it...a worthless value...not in general. Then again,without money...what will become of us?No food,no fun,no priviledges...NOTHING at all. It's sad to know that money runs the economy,the country...the WORLD. It runs us...our LIVES. Everywhere..its just all about money,money...and more money.I'm sick of it!!I'm broke...means not enough money...and that means...pocket tight..means no fun!
Each day,as I greet the sun good morning,I wonder..."When am I going to get rich?,"When am I going to earn enuff?","Lead an easy life." and many unanswered questions...which of course seems unevitable to be answered.Its contradicting isn't it?Money runs our world...its fucked up when you don't have the dough,you hate it.Then again...you start to hope...to wonder..."I want my money!!" comes into mind. The truth is right in front of you...you'll lead a better life and an easy life...you get anything...everthing you want ...but what do you need?Not love but MONEY.

Will this world ever run without money behind every reasons?
*In Deep Thought*

Look...the chubby me!!! LOL

Yes yes..I've deleted the other pic...but here's another one!!Note...I'm still trying to load the pictures so that all of you could see!!

to solve the loaded images again...shit...I shouldn't have chged the settings!

Here it is....I took this quiz and read wat the results say...Bloody fuck!
HASH(0x85153d4)

schizotypal

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

Leave a message...tell me wat you think. Dun worry...I won't kill ya!

Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while
adults might just accept that, I know
something's gotta change. And it's gonna
change, just as soon as I become an adult and
get some power of my own.

How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla

I went to gym yesterday...yes!Finally...I know...haven been going for like 2 weeks.I'm bloody wasting my monthly membership money. And so ...yesterday I decided to make my money worth and headed down to my gym at Raffles Place.Honestly..I was dragging my big ass there!As usual...I did brisk walking first..then a 3.5km jog...sigh...on the cross trainer..blah blah blah...got knows wat other machines thats in there!!So anyway..I reached the place at 4.30pm and left the place at 7pm.Wat the hell did I do that took me 2.5 hours?I did my usual 3.5km jog...20min on the cross trainer..but somehow...when I was on the cross trainer..I had the motivation to go on and on..did more workout on the other equipments.I mean normally...a workout on a machine would prolly be 15min..but no..yesterday was like 20-30min per machine. God knows wat the motivation or urge to continue was...seriously..i could continue...but seeing the peak traffic of obnoxious,bitches...wannabe babe came crawling in like dead insects..I decided that its time for me to take my most deserving reward after a great workout...a 15 min steam bath and a long long sauna!!hehe...I tell you..thats the part I enjoy most when going to the gym!!So yeah..I had a great time...but today...I paid a price for it...my Muscles are aching!!And so tired..I couldn't wake up for my 9am class...I had to go for class...I can't afford to miss any classes at all...so in the end...I drag my sleepy heavy arse to sch and reached sch at 10am. I swear..I thought I was late...but no...Melvin my friend came in at 10.30am...and last but not least..Jordon...who broke the record...10.45am!!Bloody hell...bugger only attended lesson for 15mins!!!Fuck you Jordon!!hehe..so yup...pretty much thats wat has been happening since yesterday and today...sigh...MUSCLE PAIN!!

First of all...before you guys read this entry...read "Tea makes me Pee" first.So yeah...wanna know wat happened next?What I saw?haha...Curious rite?hehe..Okay..enuff of the suspense. Here goes:

Scenario: "Hanis..i swear..i can't hold it!""I don't care!!"I scrambled my way thru the narrow path way and headed to..."I'm going to the boys toilet!"--Yup...I went to the boys toilet..now now...on my way in..I laughed really loud to let the boys know that we're coming in..but NO....the 3 kukus' were happily peeing and laughing!Where did they pee?The standing urinal..yup...lOl lOl lOl...standing next to each other..Barry John Tan and John...I think its in that sequence..it went real fast. When they saw us...they were like.."OI!!!Wat the fuck are you guys doin?""Wat the fuck!""Wat the fuck!"...yup practically...thats all they could say.LOL!In the meantime...while peeing...hehe..I kept apologising to them...telling them that the ladies were closed and that we had no choice!We really needed to pee!!Oh yes...I went to the cubicle to pee okay..not the standing one!!haha

So yeah...I know I've intruded into the 'man's' world..but hey...we all did share a SWEET peeing MOMENT together!!!LOL!!That rarely happens!!haha..I'm not proud of myself but hey...its an experience I'll never forget!haha...So I guess the lesson to be learnt is....uhm..."Dun drink too much tea?"

Remember I told you guys that I was meeting my sec. sch mates?Yup...I did...note...They came 2 hours late!!haha...supposed to meet at 9.30pm..but came later...thats besides the point.Why the title..."tea makes me pee"?Okay...heres the story.After meeting up with my friends...another grp of their friends were waitin for us at Arab street..Al Majlis...for shesha. So yeah...I had to go back to Arab St. again. I was already there earlier...so anyway...after my bunch of indecisive friends made a final decision on the movie time we were supposed to watch..we headed down to Plaza Singapura to catch the 1.30am show...Hollywood Homicide.We had drinks and dinner there. I was in the car with 4 of my friends.John...John Tan,Barry and Hanis.Out of the blue..all five of us had the urged to pee...I mean we all did when we left Al Majlis...but theres only one bloody toilet and it was occupied.Its senseless if all of us waited rite. So yeah...in the car,I said.."Hey..I really need to pee man!John..can drive faster?"Then my friend Hanis said..."Yeah..me too!"then another "Me too!"and another "Me tooooo!!" and finally..finally John said.."Shut up la!!Me too!!"hahah...so yeah...on our way..we were all practically complaining and grumbling abt how much longer we can all hold our bladder!hehe...

Upon reaching PS...our first thought was.."Quick..find toilet!!"I swear...I really can't hold it anymore.Man..the look on Hanis's face was like...haha..face of..."Where the fuck is the toilet?I fucking need to pee!!"haha...so yeah..my friend BArry can even made a joke on our long way to PS building..."Eh Hera...how come you never walk like this?" Walk like wat you might ask...now..imagine...you need to pee badly...so your legs were practically close together...you know la...so yeah...I said.."I can hold my bladder well..thank you!!"hehe...Finally...when we got to the building...all of us walked really fast!!Scrambling through the small walking space(building under construction)...I tell you..its pretty scary cause nearby at the parking lot was Banglas!!haha

I knew the guys were up to no good...they walked real fast....and then they made a rite turn..then...."BOO!!!"..."Argh!!"..bloody John still had the cheek to scare me...thank god i wasn't that scared or I would have PEE'D in my pants...so yeah..I continue following the guys...I had no idea where I was...and finally those bastards found the gents!!haha

I'm like...shit!!You guys found yours...shit...I need to pee!!So we left the gents and continued our way further into the building and ended up at the lift looby. Only to realise that there wasn't any ladies ard. I'm like.."Shit Hanis!!Where's the fucking toilet!!I need to pee!"I swear...by this time..I really really cannot hold on anymore..can you imagine holding on for like almost 20min??Then..a great idea came........LOL

Scenario: "Hanis..i swear..i can't hold it!""I don't care!!""Am....***!!!hehehe...and guess wat i saw?Wanna know wat happened??hehe....tune in the next time i log in..cause I really gotta go...sorry man!!just be patient...

~to be continued~

I'm so bored!!!Nothing much to do at my granny's house...seriously...I've been in the room now for almost half a day now on the net!!I think I'll go crazy if the computer wasn't working. I seem oblivious with things in the house rite now.I'm suppose to do my report but I'm so not in the mood...I hate doing last minute project...today's weather makes you sleepy!Dunyou think?Oh...i realised that there are people who have been reading my blog...would appreciate if you guys drop a message on my tag board...it is redundant!So yeah...make use of it.Man...time passes by real slow today.I just can't wait to go out later...I'm going to Arab Street later to chill out with my friends.Oh...you guys should check out this cafe rite behind Arab Street...its called Retro Musiq and Jamming Cafe. Its so quiet...peaceful...you can just chill for a real long time...and there's no vehicles passing by...and they play great music!!Honest!!Man...I'll be meeting my sec. sch mates over there..and I'm super excited...gosh the 2 cuties!!haha...

Argh!!!I so wanna go out tonight!!But i can't!!Argh!!Argh!!!Argh!!!My parents are out of town...so the more I must enjoy rite...but NO....I have to stay over at my grands place!!Oh bloody!!Why?Wat happened to the good old days...where I had my much needed freedom when I was young?Shouldn't it be...the older you get..the more freedom you have?World is upside down man!You know what...at this moment..I so wished I came out
a boy!They get to stay up late...while we girls must come home early and be...'girls'. Stop stereotyping!!I'm pretty much an independent person...my parents are out of town all the time and I can take care of myself...but this time...no...they thought I need to be dependent on my granny!!Wats up with that?Oh well...nothing much for me to do...but to vent my anger on my dear bloggy!

Wats up???Been away....I know...but I'm bACK!haha...So lets see...topics' for today is abt guys!Yup...you see over the holiday,I went to a house party My friend, Sharul's friend...so yeah...there were lots of guys...I mean the only girls were the ones i brought with me and some 2 other bitches. So yeah...likewise...*attention*. The party was kinda alright music was good,food was good...people was alright except for a handful of egoistic,obnoxious guys. This was what happened...I was like sitting alone on this huge super comfy sofa rite...enjoying the music...looking at different groups that were formed naturally...so yeah...i was alone...not in the mood to socialise la. So anyway...on the floor sat this arab looking guy...just wearing his pants...no shirt.I guess his intention was to show off la...but honestly speaking rite...i dun see a single muscle!!I'm super serious!!Wonder wat's wrg with this fella's brain...OH...I know...his brain is rite down there!!!LOL...sO YEAH....WE managed to strike up a conversation...then this another guy came along and joined in.And so this guy claimed to be a PAkistani...actually he looks Indian la...I'm not being racist here...just be patient and let me tell you...So the indian fella asked whethe i go clubbin..blah blah blah...He said he likes reggae nite at hard rock. My reaction was "OMG!!!You're a mat!!I thought so...judging by your dressing.You know...you got the look that you would hook up with a girl anytime in da club!"And then...the guys who were ard us started to laugh...including the Arab guy. So i said to the Arab guy "Hey...you too!"And you know what he retorted back when my friend said the same thing like i did...he said "Yeah baby!I can hook up pretty girls anytime anywhere!" HELLO!!!!**MAJOR TURNOFF** Gosh...after he said that...i totally can't be bothered by him. Oh and ya know...he said (arab) ..."You look bored" Me:"I am" Arab:"Then you should drink and get drunk!" i told him i wasn't in the mood to drink..blah blah blah...but he insisted.So i said.."Fine...I'll drink!" Gosh...the look on his face was like.."Yeah man!"So i said..."Watcha waiting for?Go make me a drink!" and he did...finished the whole bottle of Jim Beam...i probably took like half a plastic cup of JB...wans't that much...as soon as I finished drinking I left the 2 idiots.I dun wanna be ard them any longer!!so yeah...it was one hella nite at the bbq!I can say that their idiosyncracy level is pretty darn low...i bet its the cost of having a one eyed brain...if ya know what i mean...k next time tell you more!!

So yeah...yesterday I had my 5th driving lesson...so far its been pretty okay.I can manage i guess...so yeah...l dun have difficulty with any of my instructor until yesterday.I've been telling my friends that I hoped not to get a Malay instructor cause definitely the lesson would be in Malay...and guess wat?It was!!I had to concentrate real hard to understand wat he was trying to say.Before the lesson started, I asked my instructor if he could speak i English instead as my Malay wasn't that good but he REFUSED!!!I was like..."Bloody hell...I'm stuck in Suria for 100 minutes!"From that point of time...I had to listen real careful to wat he was teaching me in MALAy!!Oh ...he then started giving me some "lecture" like..."we are all Malay...must know how to speak our own mother tongue. I know...you youngsters now prefer speaking in English...but remember...dun forget our culture..."BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!--hE SAID SOMETHING LIKE THAT...my translation. So yeah...not only was it a driving lesson...it was a lesson of...????wateva la huh...

Yesterday's lesson was checking blindspots and stuff...this happened many times I should say...You see, my instructor asked me to check my blindspot on my left...instead...I turned to my right!!This was what he said in Malay...(adding some humour)--"Okay...sebelum awak belok kiri...check blindspot di kiri!"Translate:Before turning to your left,check your left blindspot.Kiri means left and kanan means right.So yeah...I got confused between my left and right in Malay!!Bloody hell...humiliating man...I felt really lost after that .I can't help it but to quickly apologise for my misinterpretation!haha...after that my instructor started his whole "Blah blah blah...culture know the language" lecture!!Oh....there was this once...he tried explaining to me something but I couldn't really understand wat he was trying to say or explain that in the end ...he had to drew it out for me!!!haha...Damn...you know how irritating is that??Yeah..I know some of you would say.."Damn you!Disgrace to Malay society!!"But hey!!!I am not MALAY!!!!hehe...remember that!!haha...Gosh...I really hope Friday's lesson I'll get a young chinese soft spoken instructor!!!haha

Oh OH!!!My parents are leaving on Friday!!!Haha...quick quick get lost!!!MUakakaka...freedom!!!I smell FREEDOM!!LOL...sadly, I have to sleep over at my granny's...but who cares...I can play with my baby cousins!!!